Senate Republicans Pushing Plan for Redefining "Majority"

WASHINGTON, Nov. 15 - In a sign of increasing unease among Congressional Republicans over the war in Iraq, the Senate is to consider on Wednesday a Republican proposal that calls for amending the US Constitution to redefine the idea of a "majority."

Senator Lindsey Graham, the South Carolina Republican who is the author of the initial plan, said Monday that he had negotiated a compromise that would change the way the current Democracy in America works.

"The American people are much too concerned with a Republican "majority" in both houses of Congress," the Senator said. "So we decided to put our money where our mouth is. It's obvious to all of us Repubs that ending the filibuster, drilling in ANWR, and allowing the President to be commander-in-chief are all beyond our control, so we've decided to make it official."

Under the proposed plan "majority" status would be transferred from the party with the most seats in the congress to the party that complains the loudest.

Senator Bill Frist, the current majority leader, and Senator John W. Warner, Republican of Virginia both supported the plan. "It's obvious who's in control now," Frist said. "Why try to hide it?"

In a similar move, Senator Warner moved to amend the current amendment by adding the post of "Majority Minority Leader" in response to the diversity within the Republican party.

"It will be an honor for someone to represent the Republicans who usually disagree with most of the members of the Republican party," Warner said. "It's fantastic."

Senator Joseph I. Lieberman, Democrat of Connecticut, said he saw the proposal as a potential "turning point" in Congressional deliberation.

"No longer will the "majority" rule the United States congress. It's time for the vocal minority to take its rightful role in determining US policy. If the current definition of "majority" won't do what is needed, we will gladly step in."

The first task of the new Majority Minority Leader will be to demand the White House "to explain to Congress and the American people its strategy for the successful completion of the mission in Iraq."

Senator Richard J. Durbin of Illinois, the No. 2 Democrat in the Senate, said this first action would improve accountability with the White House.

"No longer will we have to be lawmakers. The new "majority" will finally be able to demand what we want when we want from the President," Durbin said. "The next action by this newly organized Congress will be to impose this new system on the rest of the nation. Only those people that are loud, participate in exit polling, are obnoxious in their opinions, or just too naive to realize there is another way of looking at things will be allowed to vote."

The Senator assured that "this new measure will not only allow the "majority" to rule now but forever into the future."

Durbin continued: "The American people should be glad to hear that opposition is a legitimate legislative strategy and that George Bush is satan."


This pathetic attempt at satire borrowed heavily from here and here.