Senate Dems Force Not-so-Rare Publicity Stunt

WASHINGTON - The U.S. Senate returned to its daily work late Tuesday after Democrats pulled a stunt and forced a private session of the chamber so Democrats could pout for the lack of indictment of Karl Rove, evil master of the universe, under the guise of investigating pre-war intelligence.

As a result of the session, in which Senate Intelligence Committee Chairman Pat Roberts and the panel's Ranking Democrat Jay Rockefeller sparred for 40 minutes about whether Republicans had failed in their constitutional charge of investigating the motivation behind Presidential actions sanctioned by a majority of the Senate, lawmakers set Nov. 14 as a deadline for six members of the Senate - three from each party - to assess the progress of a committee that already determined the intelligence failure leading up to the Iraqi war.

"Today the American people are going to see a great bit of political bantering. Today we have successfully taken the attention away from a fantastic Supreme Court nominee, a well-qualified Federal Reserve Chairman's appointment, a revolutionary new tax code report, unprecedented constitutional elections in a former tyrannical dictatorship, and an investigation that proves the only person responsible for leaking a CIA agent's identity is her Bush-hating husband," said Senate Minority Leader Harry Reid.

Democrats say the demand for a closed session was prompted by "unprecedented moral and decisive leadership" given by President Bush and his administration prior to entry into the war in Iraq and a failure of Republicans to indulge Democrat's fantasy that "Bush is a liar."

"If the administration had the ability to see the future, understand the intelligence-gathering failures of the CIA, realize the fundamental destruction of the nation's intelligence agencies due to the Clinton administration, and had not listened to people like Bill Clinton, John Kerry, Hillary Clinton, Tom Daschle, Dick Gephardt, and Ted Kennedy, among others, they wouldn't even have brought it to the Congress for a vote," Reid said of the Senate's 2002 consent to launch a war against Iraq.

Rockefeller, D-W.Va., said the publicity stunt was invoked after Democrats were repeatedly promised by Roberts, R-Kan., that George Bush would be unilaterally blamed for the deaths of US troops in Iraq due Senate approval of the Iraqi war.

"Any time the Intelligence Committee pursued a line of inquiry that brought us closer to blaming the White House in all of this, in the use of intelligence prior to the war, our efforts have been thwarted time and time again," Rockefeller said. "Now we're just pissed off about it."

"Once again, it shows the Democrats use scare tactics. They have no conviction. They have no principles. They have no ideas," Senate Majority Leader Bill Frist said. "The Democrats have truly jumped into a cesspool of conspiratorial delusions funded by elitist billionaires attempting to hijack the US government via Democratic lawmakers."

House Minority Dope Dick Durbin said, "The purpose of this closed session in the Senate chamber is to finally manufacture some bad news about the majority party in power - to finally yield to the spiraling failure to do absolutely anything besides voting 'nay.'"

In calling for the closed session, Reid added that the decision was also prompted by the recent indictment of Vice President Dick Cheney's former chief of staff, I. Lewis "Scooter" Libby on five counts of perjury, obstruction of justice, making false statements, and not actually telling anyone about Valerie Plame in the investigation into the leak of a CIA operative's identity.

"The Libby indictment provides a window into what this is really about: How the administration was foolish enough to employ someone in the mold of Bill Clinton - who lies to grand juries under oath," Reid said on the Senate floor. "As a result of its improper conduct, a cloud now hangs over this administration."

Democrats argue that Plame's identity was revealed as punishment for her husband Joseph Wilson's self-destructive nature and for his lying to the Senate Intelligence Committee after he got the chance of a lifetime to attack the Bush administration via a recommendation for a job from his wife. However, Plame's identity as a CIA agent, which was about as secret as Pierre Pierce's status as a sex offender, was revealed a number of times over by her husband.

As long as the stunt continues to draw American's attention away from real issues, Durbin said Democrats would stall Senate action indefinitely.

"It is within the power of the majority to close down the closed session. They can do it by majority vote to return to the legislative calendar," Durbin said. "It's also within the power of the American people to remove publicity-seeking congressmen - that are so far removed from reality that they will pull a stunt as to distract anyone who will listen - from their congressional seats during the next election. We're serving notice on both Republicans and the American people at this moment: Be prepared for Democratic obstructionism every day for as long as the Republicans are in power and making wise decisions. The Senate Democrats have no responsibility to do otherwise, unless their actions and positions are finally questioned."


The preceding was my satirical take on a news story. See here for my other attempt.